I'd be lying if I said the thoughts weren't present in my mind anymore... I still get food anxiety in some situations but to look at the positive, I don't count every calorie, I weigh myself maybe once a week if I feel like it, I drink wine again, I had regular (that's right) coke mixed with alcohol a couple weeks ago, but most importantly, I became me again.. The girl who loves short jokes, who can dance yet not walk ten yards without tripping over her own feet, who gets butterflies in her stomach around certain boys again, and those "warm fuzzies" (as Kim puts it) during a first kiss, someone who has a reason to go bra shopping (even though i never had much up there to begin with!), but most of all, I got the Lauren back that can go out to eat with her friends and focus on the conversation instead of the calories on my plate. It's really nice.
Life, right now, is good and I'm happy where I'm at. Just as that happened, I was offered an opportunity to leave it all behind, at least temporarily. I received an offer to move to Lyon, France for a year and be an au pair for 2 kids.
The details:
- Take care of the children 30 hours a week and take 10 hours of French classes a week at the local University.
- By "take care of the children", I mean taking them to and from school, helping with homework, driving them to and from their many extracurricular activities.
- Weekly pay aside from the provided bedroom/bath, and meals
- 5 weeks of paid holidays
- One week skiing with the family in February
- One week on the Atlantic coast with the family in the summer
- Internet, free phone to call home with
Amazing, right?! And it's exactly what I said I had wanted to do: The opportunity to live abroad, become fluent in another language, leave my monotonous desk job... Yet, now that this is a viable offer and actually possible, I've frozen. Something that I thought would be a no-brainer has suddenly become an option that I'm weighing the positives and negatives of. It frustrates me that this opportunity didn't present itself when I wanted nothing more than to get away. I'm trying to re-frame though, and think that maybe it's because I'm finally emotionally and physically strong enough to take on the challenge.
Coming from a divorced household and a family that puts the "fun" in "dysfunctional", normalcy and stability weren't two words that were familiar in my vocabulary. With all the childhood chaos, OCD provided me with structure and control. After being in southern California for the last 6 years, I finally feel like I've created a sense of normalcy here... friends, local places, a nice apartment that feels like home, a dance studio I love with classes that enable me to escape whatever's going on in my head. So, I'm reluctant to leave that behind for what could very well be an incredible and life changing experience, yet, scary.
However, I'm almost 25 and feel like I need this kind of experience to enjoy and embrace my "youth" and lack of responsibility before it starts to pile on. I think I've always taken on the "adult" aka "responsible" role, which probably goes in hand with perfectionism. This sense of impulsivity could be just the remedy. I mean really, is it absolutely necessary to be worrying about my 401K right now when I don't even know what it means exactly?! no. My biggest responsibility is my dog and there's a good possibility that I have a temporary home for her (fingers crossed).
I don't have to officially decide until the first of August but at the moment, I'm about 75/25 with going/not going. Anyway, that's where my head has been at lately. It's been a continuous thought loop but as long as it's not ED or food, I'm okay with it.
Today's Highlights:
1. I went swimming this morning after I woke up and I took Kiki out there with me. I could barely keep my stroke because I was laughing so hard as she tried to race me up and down the pool while throwing her leash up in the air. I think she appreciated a change from the daily walk.
2. It's Entourage/frozen yogurt/study-buddy night with a good friend.
3. Last night's dance classes were awesome.
4. I found a fiction book that I can't put down.
Love,
L
