Lost my "tempura ice cream virginity"

Good morning Beauties!



Despite my many attempts to find an excuse to cancel my date Saturday night, I decided to just get over the fear and go out. I think part of my anxiety is that he was coming from LA to Orange County to pick me up.. I usually like meeting the guy somewhere or going there because then I feel like I have more control over when i can leave. ha.

Anyway, I suggested we see a movie to take some of the pressure off and then I could just relax. We saw "I Love You, Man" (great movie!!) and went out to Maki Maki for dinner. I had some miso soup and we shared two sushi rolls, which I picked most of the rice off of. I figured that I had eaten enough with all the samples from the Farmers Market that morning. So after our dinner, he ordered Green Tea Tempura ice cream.. what?! fried!? ice cream!? cue ed voices. haha. I talked myself out of it, said screw it and ate almost all of my half! I didn't feel guilty after, which is great, but told myself I'd work it off the next day.

So this is my question: Is it still conquering a foodie fear if you restrict and over-exercise the next day to make up for it? The ice cream was delicious though.. people were right when they said everything taste better fried! hahah.


Isn't it pretty?!

Back to the date: It went well but I still feel like I'm just not in a place where I'm interested in dating. Partly because I know i'm not sticking around OC and I dont want anyone to hold me back or put myself in a situation where I have to make that decision. I'm also really trying to focus on myself right now with recovering from ed behaviors and if there is anytime in life where I can be selfish, this is it!

I feel like he wants more out of it than I do. .. Did guys and girls switch places because it seems like most of the guys I meet are looking for a relationship or commitment and although, i'm NOT looking for just a 1 night stand, I am looking for just something casual. It makes me laugh.. which is all you really can do!

Sunday, I woke up early and exhausted but made it to my dance class and so glad I did because it was a fun routine! It turned into one of those days where I stayed in my lounge clothes and relaxed! Took a nap, had some great veggies for lunch from the farmers market and then headed to the gym that evening to run off the fried ice cream from the night before. It was nice because there were only 5 people in the entire 2 story gym. Apparently Sundays aren't GymDays for most!

Lunch: Bowl of collard greens, asparagus, red onion, mushrooms and garbanzo beans, seasoned with thyme, salt, pepper and a little curry powder.

I got home from the gym and and made spinach pizza crust with 1 cup frozen spinach, 3 Tbsp soy flour, garlic cloves, 2 Tbsp of Parm. and then baked it for 30 minutes. I added some clams on top with lots of veggies. By the time it was done, I had snacked on so many veggies while making it, that I was only hungry for a taste. Hello Monday lunch! (it came out to be about 10 inches by 5 inches, so it was pretty good size!)

Saturday, I ran a bunch of errands and it was such a beautiful day and the drive into Laguna Beach was so pretty.. All the cliff sides were so green. The cellphone camera doesnt do it justice!

Friday, (do you love how we're working backwards here?!) I went to Mother's Market with my grandma for dinner and then got some goodies afterwards. I had the BEST dinner though and tried to sneak a picture with my camera phone!

"Jazzman & the Beans" was a bowl of rice topped with cabbage, kidney and black beans, lots of veggies, and bbq marinated faux chicken. I told my grandma it was real chicken and she loved it so much that she ate half of my plate! It was much easier than trying to describe to her what it actually was. haha.

That night, I made some "flourless microwave carob-cocoa walnut" single serving cookies! They don't look too appealing but they were really good and rich! 1 Tbsp carob powder, 1 Tbsp cocoa powder, 1 Tbsp organic powdered sugar, 1 Tbsp eggbeaters, pinch of vanilla extract. couple of walnuts or almonds. Microwave for a minute and voila! It made about 5 of these babies!

Lastly, I went to Whole Foods to request that they carry carmelized onion hummus but they couldnt figure out the brand. Could ya'll tell me the brand you buy so I can pass it along to WF?!

Thanks!!!

Time to get some work done. Hope ya'll have the most fantastic of Mondays!! Thanks for all the support! This blogging community still blows me away with how supportive and kind everyone is! Love you girls!!

A quickie ;)

So i'm sitting here waiting for my date to get here.. date number 2! dun-dun-dunhhhhhh! Anyways, I have been feeling super anxious about it all day and just don't feel like i'm in a place right now where i want to date anyone.. i think it goes along with the whole socialization aspect of ED. I was talking to my dad on the phone and telling him that if I could be anywhere right now, as sad as it is for a 24 year old to admit this, I would rather be hanging out back home with him and my brother doing absolutely nothing!

Anyway, i got on real quick to check the blogosphere and read the messages you girls sent to me on my last post and all the sudden, i just felt so much better. I think just knowing how supportive ya'll are and that i'm not the only one going through all this! I wish some of us lived closer so we could have a girls night!! Okay, i gotta get going but i HAVE to post later what i ordered from Mother's Market for dinner with my grandma last night and my finds from the Farmers Market!

Love ya'll!

Just one of those days...

Happy Friday Lovely Ladies!!

The weekend is here and I should be excited but i'm just knd of having one of those "blah" type days. I got my taxes done yesterday and found out that i'm gettng a very decent amount back, which I wasn't expecting, so that is definitely GREAT! Yet, i'm still just feeling stuck in a rut... although that does go to show that money doesn't buy happiness! ;)

I think that part of it is the abivalence that I'm feeling regarding this "healthy" weight gain, how quickly it's happening, and how my appetite has increased. I've also found that when I snack, instead of having orgainzed meals, i start to feel scattered or disorganized. You're probably thinking what's the relationship: Breakfast is my FAVORITE meal of the day but instead of having one thing like a bowl of oatmeal, i like to have a lot of little things...a little oatmeal with a little yogurt, sprinkled with some raisins, etc.. you get the point. Sometimes i'll even cut off a small piece of a lara bar and add it to it for flavor. So, although I love the variety, the fact that I can't figure out ONE thing that i want to satiate me becomes frustrating and feels like mindless eating. does this make any sense??

As a result, I restricted yesterday and find myself with the same attitude today. Another factor is that my mom used to struggle with bulimia when she was in college(but never the anorexia part). She is also very weight conscious even though she's really thin... cue my learned behavior. Whenever I would lose weight, instead of the nurturing response of "you really dont need to lose weight", she would respond with "well how did you do it?" I know it was aimed towards her own goals but because of that, I learned that losing=reward. Anyway, after our tax appointment yesterday, I was hungry because I hadn't eaten since lunch and it was already 6 pm. After asking if she was hungry, she responded with "no, i had coffee shake at lunch"... umm, all of us know that although those things pack calories, they aren't going to fill you up through dinner. So then i felt guilty that I actually wanted food because i had a pretty decent lunch of a salmon salad and then some greek yogurt... and if she's not hungry, why should i be?! i know this isn't logical or healthy thinking but still frustrating and a struggle.

Lastly, I haven't been able to jog all week because i strained the tendon or muscle behind my knee. (Lauren, do you want some cheese for that whne?!) I know, i know... in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing but i think the lack of exercise and that dull pain feeling has affected my mood.

ANYWAYS, today, I have a haircut planned for after work then taking my grandmas out to dinner, who isn't doing too well. Tomorrow i'm planning on returning to the farmers market after a 2 week GRE hiatus! I cant wait to get some fresh veggies!!

Hope ya'll have a fantastic Friday!!!!! Thanks for listening!

I pulled all-nighters studying for finals for this?!?!

I'm frustrated.

Frustrated because I put so much effort into my undgergrad degree, only to now work at a place where the biggest issue is that I didn't "unload the dishwasher and restock the conference rooms"! Are you kidding me?!

Frustrated that I weighed 2 lbs more than I did on Sunday. I know I still have about 10-15 pounds to gain but still seeing that number so soon, freaks me out. I also know that I usually weigh more after my Tuesday dance classes (muscle possibly?) but seriously, 2 lbs?! that's lame.

Frustrated that I'm loser because although I can dance, apparently I can't walk--I full-on tripped the other morning while jogging with Kiki and now my knee is screwed up. What happened to the days when we were 10 years old, would take a fall, and get back up like nothing happened!!??

Frustrated that yesterday, I couldn't seem to get full, which leads me to my next frustration ( i promis there aren't too many more complaints!)

Frustrated that since i've been allowing myself to eat more, my appetite has increased. what the heck!?

Frustrated that I was so excited to make carmelized onion hummus because my stupid Whole Foods store doesnt carry it, but it DID NOT taste good! Apparently Italian girls aren't good at making middle eastern dishes (at least not this Italian girl)! I believe it was an error on my part but I doubt i'll attempt it again. Maybe just carmelize some onions and add it to plain hummus? or go on a search for a WF that DOES sell it!

Lastly, i'm frustrated that I cant seem to find my motivation for my AM jogs that I used to do EVERY morning. I know that before ED was what got me out of bed to do it, but I would still like to jog to stay in shape and more for mental health than anything else!

On a rosier note:

I made my own protein bars the other day with a banana that was about to go bad. They came out pretty delicious if I can say so myself. I had it for breakfast with my regular Fage and some blueberries.

I went to Mother's Market last night and excited about my purchases! I got:

• Maca powder: I just found out about this stuff yesterday and am hoping it will help with my "girl time" of the month (my friends and I call it butterfly season). I haven't had "one" in a year and pretty sure that isn't healthy.
• Red Hard Wheat Berries: I LOVE these things and i'm planning to make some more protein bars but put these in them instead of oats so they'll have a chewier texture!
• Chocolate protein powder
• Yogurt maker... i've decided that I need to at least attempt to make my own yogurt since I spend so much on it! That will be this weekend's project.
• Organic raw honey: for the protein bars.. also this weekend's project.
• Mint extract, which I am enjoying right now in my homemade mint mocha!
• Lite firm tofu

Think that's it. Spent way more than I wanted to but hopefully it will last!

Another rose of the day: I heard back from a family that is interested in me as an Au Pair for them in France!!

Lastly, I will leave you with my Yogi tea quote from this morning.. It seemed very fitting.

"Bliss cannot be disturbed by gain or loss."

Happy Hump Day, Ladies!! I wish you all strength, courage, and happiness for the rest of your week!

Time to play catch-up!!

Whew! Where to begin?! Let's update by WBN (write by numbers) :)

1. First things first, I have to give a huge THANK YOU to everyone that eased my axiety and wished me luck on the GRE that I took on Saturday! TGIO--Thank god it's over!! I know i'm going to take it again but this one was helpful in giving me an idea of what i need to work on for next time! Something that one of ya'll said really stuck with me and helped so much: "Just like the numbers on the scale, the numbers on the GRE don't determine EVERYTHING!" Thank you again, Stef!!

2. My mom is the head of a adolescent partial program at a hospital and organized a seminar on ED last week. I went and listened to one of the guest speakers, who is a psychologist at a ED center in LA. The whole thing hit a little too close to home with being able to relate to everything they were talking about. However, it was encouraging as they talked about recovery and how real recovery takes an average of 3-5 years... I guess not so much encouragement, as it is relief knowing that it's okay that my thought process with all of this hasn't recovered over night and it's okay to still struggle.

3. To the lovely Chocolate Covered Katie... I dedicate my breakfast from the other morning to you because all your amazing oatmeal posts inspired me! I made Strawberry Cheesecake Oatmeal.. I added a tbsp of cream cheese and packet of Stevia, vanilla extract, vanilla protein powder, and strawberries to my morning bowl and the results were delicious. (i of course had to add my daily Fage on the side). I plan to try your Almond Joy recipe next!

4. I went to the YouBars site and found that if you call them, you can order a "sample pack" where they send you 3 bars and 3 shakes (or you can switch it up) for 8 dollars. Not a bad deal. I got them on Saturday and tried the Dates and Chocolate bar.. ummm, omg, tell me why this is my absolute favorite bar that i've ever tried. My favorite part is that I can count the ingredients on one hand: cocoa, dates, honey, protein powder... and only 120 calories. (not like that shoud matter though! As you can see, the bar didn't last too long after opening!

5. My eats this weekend weren't too eventful because of the GRE and then my DATE from yesterday. However, Friday night, I did treat myself to some Pho so that I wouldn't procrastinate studying by cooking! I (of course) brought it home and added some kale and mushrooms to the mix! delicious! Although, i think it's better that they dont have nutrition content because although it's clear broth, i'm sure it's loaded with sodium! Why else would it taste so good?!

6. Award time!! Drum rollllllllllllll..........

I hate picking and choosing because everyone here has been so supportive and i feel like even though I've never met ya'll, that i've gained some healthy weight and some amazing friends!!! These lovely ladies though, i'd like to give an extra shout out and thank you to!

Stef --Convinced this girl is my long lost twin.

Sheena --Has been so encouraging and I know she has the strength to make it through her own B&P battles

Elle --my first friend from blog world and starter of the amazing book club! (which i can now keep up on since study time is over!)

Margarida --this girl is wise beyond her age and I want nothing more than to see her endure some brighter days!

Ellie --This girl can write in a way that not only reaches out to everyone, but is so eloquent to read! I think she should write a book!!

7. I promise we're almost done! But i had my DATE yesterday and it was a lot of fun! I don't think i've laughed that much in a long time and it felt like i've known him for a while. We started out at a hot sauce store in Long Beach for our "challenge" of who could handle their spice better.. He bought me a bottle of hot sauce, which i was able to use after on my shrimp tostada at mexican restaurant afterwards.

Although it was great, I have to move at snails pace and still am hesitant to start something.. I think part of this is because i KNOW i want to move abroad and am scared of being held back from that. Secondly, I have this weird thing that when pursuing someone, as soon as I find out that they are interested in me, I immediately lose all interest and almost freak out. I joked with him and said if he wants to continue to see me, he should probably ignore me for a few weeks and then drop a random phone call! hahaha.

8. Okay, time to be productive! I'm counting down until lunch and my spinach, leftover shrimp, and bean "FlatOut" burrito!

Have a WONDERFUL monday ladies!!!

summary.

Feeling: super anxious. frustrated. like my emotions are all over the place.

Because: my GRE test is tomorrow. standardized tests are not my forte.

Why else: Because unlike some of the stupid food things that I obsess and worry about, this is something that WILL actually matter a year from now. I hate my day job now and want to go back to grad school to do something i actually enjoy but worried this test will prevent that.

The Result: stress snacking. Pho soup for dinnr but then for a PM snack: bowl of yogurt, cereal, 1/4 cup fro yo, carob chips, PB2, hot chocolate and 2 cups of tea.

Feeling: overly full and wanting to give into old behaviors. also wanting to restrict tomorrow and run it all off! not wanting to focus on studying. feeling that since i'm afraid i'll fail, i might as well just not study.

Not sure where to go from here. Maybe it will be better after tomorrow? Let's hope.

Got to get back to trying to be productive.

How is it already Thursday?!

It seems that this is always the case: When there's something you're not looking forward to that is coming up, the week flies by before your eyes... but when you want the week to go by quickly, it moves at a snail's pace! I keep hoping that the days will slow down so I can fit some studying in--(I keep procrastinating on the difficult parts) but instead, it's already the end of the week!

Last night, I had a therapy session and it was one of those where you go thinking that there really isn't anything to talk about, but come out of it making some big breakthroughs... or moreso, some interesting insight. It started when I told her that Saturday night was really difficult for me and I had the urge to fall back into old behaviors...

Let's start with Saturday day: My mom asked me to come over and bring my GRE stuff with me so I could study at her house while she organized stuff (she's putting her house back together after getting new carpet). She said she would get more accomplished just having someone there bc she wouldnt be able to procrastinate. Anyway, we had a good day but that evening, she went up to her bf's, which she does every weekend. So after my therapist and I explored this, we realized that I felt (cue vulnerability for sharing this) abandonned and used.. kind of like "You wanted me so that you could accomplish what you needed to and then go off and play". We also talked about how, or when my ED was at its worst was when my brother moved back up to Sacramento and I had just ended a relationship that I really wanted to work.. so basically, the whole thing revolves around that feeling of abandonment.

We also explored the differences in the relationship I have with my mom versus my dad. With my dad, it's more nurturing and I know that he will ALWAYS be there for me. With my mom, we discovered that it's more of a love/hate relationship and there's a struggle between wanting my needs met as that "inner child" deal, and being the grown-up adult.

She said it will be interesting to see which one I choose to portray in my romantic relationships: the part of me that is trusting, knowing that my significant other is nurturing and will be there, or the other part of me that has a difficult time forming attachments and opening up for others to know the "real" me.

Lastly, we talked about learning to recognize that my needs matter because part of ED was trying to tell the world that I needed help without having to give up my pride and say something. She loves exploring the past with me (lol) and realized that came from never being heard through some of the issues of my childhood, and always feeling like I needed to please others, or that their needs came before mine.

Enough of Therapy Thursday! Some good news is that I made a burrito last night on a FlatOut with beans, chickenless strips, some soy cheese and lots o' hot sauce. It was delicious but ED only let me enjoy half of it. However, i did treat myself to some Dryers Yogurt Blends Tart and Honey froyo.. Really good but a little too sweet. Still worth the try though if you're looking for "ice cream".

Boudin Bakery just delivered a free veggie sandwich and salad to our office so I am counting down until lunch!!




Hope everyone has a lovely Thursday and are able to soak up some sunshine!!

Love, hugs, and thanks for the support,
L

Sunshine, Studying, and a Dead Cow

Good afternoon lovelies:

I have loved reading and keeping up with everyone's blogs but feel bad that I haven't been able to comment on most.. I'm really trying to keep my blog-world-time to a minimum until my GRE test is over because otherwise, I can come on here and lose hours of time! ha. It can be so addicting. Anyway, just know that I am keeping up!

Can i vent for just a moment about something non ED related?! My roommate= big meat and potatoes type girl. (not a bad or good thing..just a fact). Last night, her and her bf made steaks and when I got home from dance, the entire condo smelled like it! Normally it doesnt bother me but the smell was so strong! The worst part: my bedroom is upstairs and this morning, when I woke up, I could STILL smell it. ewwww. I am treating myself to some new candles on my way home from work!

On a happy note: I demo for a dance class on Tuesdays and usually take the advanced class afterwards but since my weight had dropped too low and I lost all muscle, I stopped taking the later class about 8 months ago and blamed it on "wanting to get to bed earlier" since it ended at 10 pm. But yesterday, after consuming more frozen yogurt than necessary, I decided to take the later class. It went really well. I still have a lot of muscle to build in order to get my strength back but I finally started to feel like I was winning back some of the 'real me' that I lost along with the lbs. There is a chance though that I wanted to stay in order to procrastinate studying!! hahah, who cares though.

So many of ya'll recommended the carmelized onion hummus from Whole Foods but mine doesnt carry it!! heartbreaking, right!?! I was thinking of making my own. Any good recipes ya'll have tried for hummus?

Here are a couple of food pics from the last couple days.. I haven't been able to keep up though with all the meals.

The potato and garlic soup from Whole Foods with some Kale in it.. I highly suggest this soup except that it needs a little salt!

Some asparagus and tofu with a little earth balance and thyme.

I made these for dinner last night and going to make a sandwich with them today. THey're alright but not sure if I would buy them again. They were a little dry but I may have overcooked them yesterday so today, I soaked them in some teriyaki sauce and put them on a sandwich. It helped out a lot!!

My teriyaki chicken-less sandwich with a little wasabi and some laughing cow.. Oh, and that is sourdough bread instead of diet light bread!! omg, now i remember what I was missing before!

I made a sweet soy salad with my sandwich with loads of broc, red onion, spring spinach mix, soy sauce with one sugar packet...

I also bought that ezeikel cereal from Whole foods and love it.. so thanks for the recommendation!

Okay, it's back to the study corner! Hope ya'll have a wonderful day and to Stef--Happy Hump Day! hahah.

Love and Hugs,

L

Roses & Thorns

Hello lovelies,

Happy Monday!!! I haven't posted in a while because I dedicated my weekend to studying for the GRE.. it's down to crunch time and my test is on Saturday at 1 pm!! However, I did procrastinate a bit by reading everyone else's posts!! A girl's gotta stay in the loop, right?!

In summary, here are the roses and thorns (ups and downs) of the weekend:

Roses

* Therapy Thursday went well and she helped me realize that I could move abroad sooner than I thought possible.. This is both scary and exciting!!

* Saturday, I slept until 9 am. Granted, I still woke up about 3-4 times in the night, but this is still an accomplishment!

* Saturday, Kiki and I had a great run! She's still pooped!

* I got some good studying done!

* I hung out with my mom most of the weekend and had some good eats! :)

* I gained lbs.

* I have a date next weekend.

* I found a new roommate!

* I made the cinnamon rolls from goneraw.com and they came out great! Except, I didnt have any flax seeds, and I won't lie that I'm still afraid of their caloric content, so i used wheat bran instead. Gotta love fiber!

* I tried CCV's Banana Brulee Oatmeal and it was delicious. I was low on oatmeal though so I had to use wheat bran with some Fiber One.

* I faced a food fear of fruit.. I had bananas (above recipe), dates (in the cinnamon rolls), raisins, and a couple strawberries (in my yogurt and oatmeal bowl).

* I conquered a fear of "take out food" and bought some Tofu and Broccoli Pho from a vietnamese restaurant... sans noodles but extra jalepenos.. so delicious and the leftovers lasted me 3 meals.

* I tried goat cheese yogurt from Whole Foods and it taste exactly like goat cheese! (ya'll are probably thinking "duh Lauren!!") That, with a couple of carob chips mixed in=yum.

Thorns

* Saturday, I had the urge to b&p

* After looking at the scale this morning, a wave of anxiety came over me.

* I snacked way too much over the weekend. I'm not sure if it's my body telling me I need it or if it's lack of control or if it's just boredom.

* I have been so unmotivated to work out!

*****

Okay i'm leaving that list short because I don't want to focus on the negatives. Like someone else said on their blog, I always think I have a lot to say but then when I get on here to write about it, my mind goes blank!

Something happened in my dance class though on Sunday.. one of the women approached me after class to ask if I was okay... Automatically, i respond with "of course i am! why?!" She said the teacher and a couple others had been worried because of my obvious weight loss. The first feeling that came over me was embarassment but then driving home, it was kind of refreshing. I am not sure if it made me feel better to know that they care about me or if it was a feeling of accomplishment that I got someone to notice. And that sounds so.. eww (at least the second one does! ) and not a step in the right direction. I think i'm still trying to process and overanalyze to figure out what's going on in my head but just wanted to get it out there. Next topic:

Actually, I need to get off and get back to studying and work. I may be MIA this next week but I am keeping up with reading everyone's blogs so keep on posting amazing recipes, pictures, stories and goals!

Before I forget, remember to enter the Jocalat contest by CCV!!

Hugs,

L

jealous?!

I went to Whole Foods and the Korean market and got some great finds!! And.. i'm going to Souplantation with my mom for dinner!!

Happy Friday everyone!

Waves...

Does anyone feel that their ED voices/compulsions/thoughts come and go in waves? I seriously feel like I have the "angel" on one sholder and "Ed" on the other...

Today started off great! I had such a peaceful morning jog with Kiki and certain songs came up on my ipod that completely brought me back to when I was living in Paris.. So i closed my eyes and took a little imagery vacation. I could practically hear the hussle of the city and remember exactly what it was like walking to and from the metro to class, the smell of the patisseries in the morning, basically all that was amazing! Kiki and I even switched up our routine and instead of going inside at 6:50 to be in the shower by 7, we let the music keep playing and kept jogging. It was such a wake up call from all this stupid OCD ED crap that has taken over.

Anyway, got home and had my delicious breakfast oatmeal bowl with a 1/4 cup of Fage, 2 cups of green tea. (I also faced my fruit fear and cut up 2 huge strawberries on my yogurt... The only thing good about not eating them for so long is that they tasted extra delicious this morning!) I knew that I was going out to lunch with collegues for a Farewell Lunch and they picked this Italian restaurant, so i skipped my AM snack (Sad about that because like all ED victims, I love routine and i love my safe food=fage with cereal). Like i'm sure ya'll are so familiar with, I tried to look up nutrition facts online but no luck..and now i know why. This restaurant is not ED friendly AT ALL!.. but i said screw it, i'm going to conquer another fear.

I thought I could play it safe with a salad or i could test the waters and go with a pesto sandwich, which called out to the Italian in me! I had a side salad sans dressing, 3 calamari pieces with the breading removed (1st fried food in over a year!) and then I went for the sandwich with the pesto mayo on the side of course (insert need for control, haha)... Here's the thing though: when I got it, I didn't think to ask if they use olive oil on the sandwich (who would?!?!)!! They absolutely used it, and the contents of the sandwich were drizzled in it. BAM! Cue anxiety. I took off the piece of bread with the oil on it and tried to pick out the contents that weren't covered. I made an open face sandwich and even though it still had oil on it, there was a turning point in me that said "screw this shit, i'm going to enjoy this because it's delicious and a few years back, I wouldn't have thought twice about eating it!" So I did.

I counterbalanced it with knowing that I went jogging this morning and I would probably go again tonight.. But then it's like the ED comes and goes in waves. One minute, I was totally okay with eating the sandwich (savoring all the goodness of the hot bread with basil!), then the next, cue guilt. This pattern happened about 6-7 times during the meal and the guilt stayed with me after. I remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, one meal isn't going to hurt but it doesnt "fix" the anxiety going on.

It's such a tug-of-war and I feel like all of us (no offense to anyone out there) are so incredible at giving advice and support to each other.. when we feel guilty about eating, have a bad day, a good day, etc.. but how come we can't do it when it comes to ourselves?! I know all the things that i should be believing, like how we are all more than just a number on a scale, we're better than these stupid fears, but I dont know how to make myself believe it!

ED spun out of control after college when I started in the workplace because I went from having a goal and direction, to no longer knowing what I was working towards or who I was. There were also relationship issues with family moving away, ending friendships, etc...basically a feeling of loss of control. Now that I have some set goals in the near future like graduate school and moving abroad, I've improved. In reality though, I dont want to define myself solely by accomplishments.. i want to be defined by all the fabulousness that is me.... by being able to go out and laugh, eat a donut, dance in public instead of feeling like i've accomplished something by depriving myself, which is supposed to prove that i have more self control??!.. that's bs! I dont want to look back at what is supposed to be the "best years of our youth" and think "Did i really waste it on worrying about which dressing to get based on a 10 calorie difference?! See what I mean about the waves?!

Alright, enough of this. I just had to get it out of my head and onto something else. I wish for all of us that we can support ourselves the way we are so supportive of each other. In the meantime, I once again, thank you all for your encouraging words. I am also going on the Fear Factor Food Challenge with Ellie and Sam! Feel free to join me for some cyber dates with this.

Here are my foodie fears:

Carbs: bread, pasta, rice
Which leads to sushi
Olive Oil (my Italian gma would be so ashamed!)
Bananas
Actually, most fruits in general
Liquid calories
Cheese
Restaurant food that isn't a naked salad
Restaurant soups!
Milk chocolate
Real ice cream
Energy bars ie: Lara bars, etc...
Breakfast foods that come from a box: waffles
Pizza not made by me
margarine
Any type of cake dessert

And.....scene!

I miss having Spring Break!!

Good evening lovely ladies:

I'm sitting here going through the blog roll and so many of ya'll are coming up on Spring Break!! I'm so jealous and I miss those days, even though they were only 2 years ago.. ew, that sounds so old!! Anyway, i hope everyone going onto spring break has a fantastic time and takes advantage of the relaxing time off!

Yesterday's eats were pretty uneventful.... except for my repeat of portabello mushroom sandwich with the chives and garlic hummus... and of course, the rest of my soup, loaded with red pepper, spinach, cilantro and a Tbsp of Fage to take the place of sour cream.

I didn't have much time for a full out dinner because I take dance classes on Tuesdays and the last time I had a large meal before dance, i got shooting stomach pains...no bueno! So my mom stopped by and we split 3 slices of eggplant that I breaded in Fiber One cereal and broiled in the oven. I added sauce and a little of my veggie mozz. to one to make it into a pizza.. It was delicious and the perfect amount!

Had a great workout but didn't refuel with protein so i kept waking up during the middle of the night craving yogurt. Did this or does this ever happen to ya'll? It's gotten better since I've put on a couple pounds but a good night's sleep is still something i miss!

I attempted to make one of Shelby's breakfast cookies but I used tooooo much water because the recipe was upstairs and I was too lazy to get it. Anyway, it actually turned out so delicious and I could only eat about a third of it...

No picture but i used:

1/4 cup oats

1/4 cup wheat bran

1/4 PB Puffins

1 teas. vanilla

1/2 serving Vanilla protein powder

3/4 cup water

1/4 cup vanilla soy milk

1 stevia packet..

... let it sit overnight then zapped it in the microwave for 3 minutes. It totally puffed up to twice what it started at! those puffins live up to their name!

I've become obsessed with adding 1/4 cup of cereal to my yogurt then putting it back in the fridge because the cereal totally expands and makes the yogurt super thick... With that said, after having a bit of this for my "morning" snack around noon, i said screw it, i'm going back for thirds and i'll just make it my lunch! A little switch up in the routine was surprisingly nice!

Dinner was super easy and delicious. My roommate the other day used spaghetti squash for this but i didnt have any so i used those Shirataki noodles instead.. mixed it with a cup of spinach, tons of mushrooms, 2 teaspoons of earth balance, salt, pepper, a little garlic powder and thyme (which is what MAKES this so good!!) And you'd be so proud because I had a small slice of SF Sourdough bread with a little garlic and e.b. on it! I haven't had non-light bread in who knows how long!!! For my protein, i had Fage for dessert with a Tbsp of PB2 and a tsp. of carob chips.

This morning i weighed myself and as my weight increased, my anxiety has as well even though i know it shouldnt. how do ya'll manage that? I hate it and because of that, i restricted myself on snacks today.. I guess I just worry that once I get to where i want, i won't be able to stop it from going up!! That whole OCD/need for control part of ED! Plus, thinking back, it kind of feels like the weight, or lack thereof, provided its own security blanket...

Alright, i'm off to shower and study a bit before bed! We had a potential new roommate come by today to check out our place and it went really good! Stef--are you sure you dont want to move in with your twin?! haha...jk.

Goodnight ladies!! Tomorrow is Therapy Thursdays!...literally :)

Following the Facebook trend...

I read an article about Facebook Random 25 things list and so here are mine:

I would love to get to know ya'll a little more so feel free to do this too!

1. I put milk on top of my ice cream.

2. I had a dream once that Oprah was rude to me and after that, her show just annoys me. ( I used to love watching it!)

3. I’m on a mission to find an old-school-skip-it with the counter! Until then, I will just enjoy my hula hoop.

4. I’m not afraid of snakes.. this is thanks to growing up with an reptile-obsessed younger brother.

5. Thanks to years of ballet, I can crack every joint in my body.. my hips are the specialty.

6.I used to live in the town next to Cameron Diaz and saw her at 7/11 one afternoon while on my daily walk with Kiki.

7. I fell asleep once during Yoga.

8. There is not a hot sauce I won’t try.

9. I want to move to France this Fall and live there for a year. My goal is to be fluent and travel, then return back for graduate school!

10. I love ketchup but its texture grosses me out… I know, I don’t get it either!

11. I still lift up my feet when driving over railroad tracks and I still hold my breath when driving through tunnels. It proves difficult when having a conversation with someone while driving!

12. I love FiberOne breaded & baked eggplant with some cream cheese, cinnamon and sugar on top...

13. I think ‘play-on-words’ are hilarious and I am usually the only one still laughing 5 minutes later. The latest one was at a Thai restaurant and the menu listed “Appe-Thai-zers”.. lol, it still makes me chuckle.

14. I can talk about the brain and neuropsychology for hours but I still slip sometimes by saying “planet world” instead of “planet earth”

15. I love wine but I don’t like being drunk.

16. I’ve been carded for cough syrup but wasn’t carded once on my 21st birthday.

17. I have a girl crush on Audrey Hepburn, Lucille Ball, Cameron Diaz and Michelle Obama.

18. But Casey Affleck, Adrien Brody, George Clooney, and Jimmy Fallon still make me weak in the knees!

19. If my kitchen were to burn down from my roommate who continuously leaves the stove on, the one appliance I would save is my electric tea kettle. I'm addicted.

20. I recently found out that my dad and I are eligible for Italian dual citizenship.. I’m still trying to convince him to find all the paperwork to make it happen!

21. In my spare time, I work as a neurofeedback tech and look at people’s brains.

22. After a traumatic trip to Sacramento once, I refuse to step foot on those small propeller planes.

23. I have a chubby pitbull mix named Kiki, who I still let sleep at the foot of my bed even though I tell people she sleeps in her own dog bed.

24. I love stale licorice.. i truely believe that this is when they've reached their prime.

25. The theme song from "Unsolved Mysteries" still creeps me out

Summer's around the corner!!

This is going to be quick because that extra hour we lost is hitting harder than usual on my energy levels.. i wonder if it's because i'm getting old and have a grown up job now... ew... jk!

I skipped weighing myself this morning... mostly because I was afraid of what it would say. I'm curious what I am at though so I think I will tomorrow. On another note, is anyone going as broke from buying yogurt as I am?! Man, oh man.. I love my Fage yogurt and the Trader Joe's Greek yogurt but ever since I've been eating more, what used to last me a week, now only last me a day! I would switch to cheaper yogurt, but they all have a ton more sugar. Any ideas? I have been making it last a little longer by using add-ins (cereal, brown rice, wheat berries, etc)..

I also skipped my AM jog with Kiki and went straight for breakfast! She'll understand. I dont have any pictures but I made a potluck-sample type bowl with a little bit of everything. I scoop of wheatberries w/bran, couple scoops of yogurt, some cereal mixes sprinkled on top with 1/4 of this new cliff bar I bought last night. Really good!

AM snack: More Fage yogurt mixed with 1/4 cup Fiber One cereal. and half of a banana bran muffin I made last week. I have become obsessed with mixing cereal with my yogurt and leaving it overnight because the cereal puffs up and makes the yogurt so much thicker! mmm. craving some just thinking about it!

Lunch was my favorite! I had an open face portabello mushroom sandwich with some garlic and chives hummus, tomatoes, spinach, red onion and a tablespoon of guac/spinach dip from WF. I also had a cup of Trader Joe's new Chipotle Black Bean soup.. i highly recommend this stuff!!

Dinner was 1/2 a Flatout wrap grilled with mushrooms, hummus, spinach and a slice of veggie cheese.

Dessert was way too much yogurt mixed with a couple slices of baked apple with cinnamon and a few carob chips sprinkled around. I need to start taking pictures of the food more because i realized today that it prevents me from mindless eating (aka standing with the fridge door open eating yogurt out of the container!) This blog has made me actually get everything prepared and sit down to eat mindfully!

In the meantime, i'm loving looking at everyone's blog posts!!! Thanks for the great ideas!! After I finish off my wheat berries, i want to try those breakfast cookies everyone raves about!

Goodnight loves!

Just needed to vent.

Ed is calling but I refuse to answer!

I just have to get this off my chest because i'm feeling guilty from lunch, which i know i absolutely shouldn't be!

Breakfast: Wheat berries with Fage yogurt, some cereal on top and my green tea.

Snack: Starbucks coffee and Costco samples!!

Lunch: Curry veggie stirfry with brown sweet rice. My brother made trout, which i had a little bit of and my mom had chicken with it. I had 1/2 cup of chocolate froyo with carob chips for dessert and I just feel so uncomfortably full and not sure why. Everything was healthy but i just feel like i had too much... it's the dessert that did me over.

Maybe part of it is that i'm bummed my brother is driving home tonight because it means going back to a quiet lonely condo! I get my energy from being around people so when it's quiet here, i hate it..

How do i kick this fullness feeling?! I shouldn't be feeling guilty and the only thing i know how to do to fix it is read ya'lls blogs and look at recent pics of myself to remind myself to gain some weight! I also didn't weigh myself this morning bc i was afraid of what it would say. blah. Thanks for letting me vent..

Happy Daylight Savings!!

Good morning lovies:
This morning, we sprung forward and hour and because my stupid phone didn't switch times until i restarted it, I woke up late and missed my dance class that I go to every Sunday. Pretty bummed about it because I look forward to it and it gets me going for the day but I think instead, I will take Kiki (my chubby pit bull mix) for a jog after I finish my yogurt.

(that's the chubster aka fatty-pants...but she prefers the term "more to love")

Anyway, yesterday was the farmers market with my brother. I found a vegan korean food booth there and bought some lotus root pieces that are marinated in a soy-pinapple sauce. I have to hold back from not eating the ENTIRE container bc they are so good. I think i'll make my own when they're done! I also picked up some Kale to make kale chips.. i'm pretty excited about this!

We also went to the Fashion District of LA.. and let me just say...WOW! So many people, so much stuff and a bit overwhelming!!

After the hussle and bussle of downtown LA, we zipped over to Beverly Hills and had the best lunch at Urth Cafe. They have the BEST clean/fresh tasting sandwiches and so much tea to choose from!!

That night, Michael cooked an Alton Brown recipe of fish where you coat the entire thing in a layer of rock salt.. it was so crazy looking.. I made a huge spinach and arugula salad with walnuts, almonds, apple chunks and red onions. I also made this great recipe of zucchini pizza crust which we just ate as a flat bread. I skipped the extra mozz. cheese though in the recipe. I altered the recipe for 2 servings which was enough to serve 3 people!

I snacked way too much after dinner: yogurt, java froyo, and a flourless chocolate cookies that I made.. will post the recipe later. This morning, i'm trying to have a lighter day although i dont want to restrict.

I'm also headed to Whole Foods later.. any hot items ya'll suggest i get while I'm there?? I really want to make the goneraw.com recipe for cinnamon rolls that i discovered off of La Belle Vegan's page! I think i'll do that tonight.

I HAVENT STUDIED ONCE THIS WEEKEND FOR THE GRE WHICH I TAKE MARCH 21st! So I'm not allowing myself to come back on this site until I've at least gotten through a section of it and one practice test!

Have a wonderful Sunday and enjoy the extra hour of sunlight! Summer, here we come!!

Gotta have Java...

My brother arrived safely and what a lovely night it's been! After getting home from Whole Foods, we cooked up some dinner. I made a eggplant and shitake mushroom teriyaki stirfry with some wontton pieces in it and he seared up some ahi tuna that I got at the Asian market the other day. I know the vegans & vegetarians won't appreciate that, but it was soooo good and beat the price of restaurant sushi by far! Here's the end result:







And this is what happens when your younger brother can't handle his wasabi like his older sister ;)






Lastly, if you would've told me, even a week ago, that I would be eating the following dessert without feeling guilty AND go back for seconds, I would've called you crazy... But I found this froyo at Whole Foods (stopped there after work!) and realized that if I don't quit my Golden Spoon addiction, then i'm going to go bankrupt... So I bought this, added a dallop (yeah, that's right, i said dallop!) of my Fage.. oh!, and these amazing cinnamon toast crunch squares. Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal used to be my favorite so you can imagine my excitement of finding this tonight and reading that it only has 110 calories per cup with 8g of sugar. Not too shabby for kids cereal!







Oh.. and there's a chance that I may have possibly added a teaspoon of carob chips... It's Friday, right?! I'm off to get some studying done for the GRE before this blog sucks anymore time out of me. Farmer's market in Silverlake tomorrow with Michael to get some fresh veggies, jalepeno fruit rollups and loose tea... Then hit up the Fashion District in LA! Good night kiddies!
Laur

Giving up my scale for Lent!

First things first: Happy Friday!! Today is going great because I just found out a couple of things:
1. My younger brother who is one of my best friends but lives back home in Sacramento, has decided to surprise me and come visit for the weekend! Tomorrow is "our" day and we're going to start it out by visiting the Farmers' Market up in Silverlake. I love this farmers market and the area because there are so many vegan/vegetarian/whole food booths and restaurants.. Plus, can you really think of any other better way to start a Saturday morning?! Last weekend I went and found apple-jalepeno fruit roll-ups and anyone who knows me and knows my obsession with spicy foods realizes how much that made my day!

2. My dad has a week of vacation that he needs to take before losing it so he called me last night and asked if I want to go to Canada!! Umm.. there's not even a question here! I will jump at any opportunity to travel and explore. Plus, after studying day in and day out for the GRE test, a week vacation to beautiful Canada should be well deserved and needed!

I just wanted to let ya'll know that reading everyones blogs has been really helpful in the recovery from my anorexia and bulimia... Although I thought I was on the road to recovery the last few months, it wasn't until this last week of seeing everyones posts and seeing ya'lls recipes that I actually realized it's okay to allow some grains back into my life. With that said, last night at Mother's Market (the equivalent toWhole Foods Market), I got a sandwich!!! With tofurkey and a cup of veggie soup. It was delicious!

I also purchased wheat berries for the first time and mixed it with some oat bran and TVP in the slow cooker for breakfast this morning. Although i'm struggling with the fact that it was a lot of grain and calories for me, i'm reminding myself that it was all healthy and wholesome food! Plus, i need to get my weight back up to at least 100. 4 pounds to go! On that note, i decided to give up my obsessive scale checking for lent. This week has been the first that I haven't checked the scale every morning and it feels freeing!

With that said, I thank you ladies for providing an outlet for me. It's so powerful and encouraging about being able to relate to ya'lls stories! However, I could use some advice... I eat super healthy already (lots of veggies, fish, tea) but with allowing food back into my life, I'm not really sure if I should be following a certain meal plan or what I should be having. I dont know if it would be good to meet with a nutritionist or if ya'll can give me some pointers. Thank you!! Have a fabulous Friday!!

Love & hugs,
Laur

Help... Pointers for the newbie??

So i've mastered spending hours looking through ya'lls blogs as I get lost in the spiderweb! It reminds me of one of those books that give you the option to take route A by turning to page 47 or take route B by flipping to page 82. Anyway, I could use any tips, pointers, and/or advice for getting started on this thing with my own blog! Any contributions appreciated!!!

Good night and happy Friday!
Laur

Hi, my name is...

Lauren but my friends call me Laur, my dad calls me LorLor, my brother calls me Sis-shu (good story on that one), and my mom calls me Pookie ;) I’m new to this whole blog world but I’ve been admiring all the fabulous blogs that ya’ll create and instead of bookmarking all of them on my laptop, I figured it was time to jump on the bandwagon and create my own. Bare with me here as I won’t be able to keep it as updated and fancy as some of the others out there. In fact, I really should be studying for the GRE test right now instead, and am convinced this is just one of my many methods of procrastination. Oh well.. Life’s about balance, right?!

I’m 24, graduated from UC Irvine and now have a “grown-up” job.. I’m not a fan of the 8-5 lifestyle at all and feel like all those sleepless nights studying for finals is being wasted on making copies and making sure that the coffee is set up for meetings. With that said, I’m studying for the Graduate Record Exam so that I can start applying to graduate school for 2010.

I want to go back to school for neuroscience & behavior.. I’m basically a nerd at heart and have not only come to terms with it, but embrace it. Get a glass of wine in me and I’ll start rambling aimlessly about the brain and how intricate it is. I even know some neuroscience jokes that I probably find way more entertaining than most, but whatever makes one laugh!

Now for the food… After reading the book Skinny Bitch upon my return from studying abroad in Paris and gaining 10 pounds (due to the crepes, cheese, nutella, and wine diet), I was eager to change my eating habits. This book completely overhauled them. Although I’m not vegan (I don’t think I could ever give up my egg whites and Fage yogurt), I only eat fish… no red meat, pork, or anything else. I love animals and want to do my part. Needless to say, I don’t miss meat and don’t get that “where’s the bathroom” feeling like you do after visiting In n’ Out!

I am currently in the process of overcoming a longstanding ED that spiraled out of control this last year. After reaching my lowest of 90 lbs at 5’6, I realized I wasn’t getting any better, but instead still giving into the vicious cycle. I want to get back to being healthy and treating my body as a temple, since it’s the only one I have! And to be vain for just a quick second, I think I look so much hotter when I was at my normal weight of 116. Therefore, I’ve been experimenting a lot in the kitchen, which is where ya’lls blogs have come to my aid! I love all foods but I hold a special place in my heart for my Italian roots and some Cajun favorites J

Well, here goes nothin’!! Have a fantastic day!