My tofu kicked your chicken's butt!

And why, you ask?! Because it's so versatile.

I brought a package of light firm tofu for lunch that was intended to accompany my salad. How boring, right?! But, at the last minute, I was feeling like dessert would make a much more satisfying lunch so that's absolutely what I did. Yeah, that's right.. i said it! I ditched my salad (saving it for later), warmed up my tofu with some kashi puffs, chocolate chips, stevia, PB2 and became a very happy camper.

I think I've been on a sweet streak this week because for dinner last night, i had d'anjou pear oatmeal/cobbler. It made me feel like a kid again where there's that special and rare evening that your mom says "we're having breakfast for dinner!" and it's practically the best news ever. haha. Needless to say, it was a nice little switcheroo...

Today has been kind of blah as I try to sort my thoughts...

Feeling:

• Introspective
• Quiet
• Ambivalent.

Wanting:

• To rid some of these ED thoughts.
• Take a nap.
• To learn how to be more content and mindful of the present rather than always looking ahead.

Because:

• I've noticed I've been restricting this week after seeing the scale number jump even though I'm still below my normal weight.
• I'm a sleepy girl at the moment.
• I don't like not knowing.
  

Procrastinating on:

• Studying for the GRE.

Looking forward to:

• Dinner with my momma tonight.
• Dinner with my gma and a great blogger friend tomorrow evening PLUS a movie!!
• Therapy Thursday

Daily Gratitude: (yes, i stole this idea from the lovely Kim)

• I woke up this morning :)
• New York is less than 3 weeks away.
• Tomorrow is FRIDAY!

Lastly:

I receive the newsletter/Gwyneth Paltrow blog and it had a post on there today about addiction. How fitting... Below is the link, but here were some points mentioned that I thought stood out:

GOOP

Kabbalah teaches that we are in this world to achieve lasting and true fulfillment. However, our wires often get crossed and we think this fulfillment can come from physicality. This is never the case. The material world always leaves us wanting more. There is a saying, “If today I have one then tomorrow I want two, and if today I have 100, then tomorrow I will want 200.”

The addiction battles many of us fight are here to push us toward finding a deeper fulfillment, which comes from connecting to the real things in life: love, compassion, sharing and revealing our true essence.

Our soul has this massive thirst, and we are trying to quench it with a teaspoon.
Therefore, there are three essential things we can do to begin the process of leaving addictive behavior behind:

1. Realize these yearnings are coming from a true place (our soul) telling us we need to do more, and we can do and be more.
2. Begin a process of both realizing and connecting to our true essence by focusing, meditating and becoming more conscious of our thoughts, behaviors and true potential.
3. Do actions that take us out of selfish behavior. Become a more giving person. This helps us be less busy with ourselves.
Being addicted doesn’t make us bad, weak or hopeless. Just the opposite. It means we have a unique soul that wants more. We aren’t satisfied with the status quo. We have a burning desire to connect to something bigger than ourselves. And as we come to understand the source of our desires, and stop letting our addictions distract us from our true essence, we can find a lasting, uninterrupted level of fulfillment.

Have a lovely Thursday!!

The Irish who brought me Irises...

Happy Memorial Day weekend!! I feel pretty strongly that all weekends should be 3 days long!! I have to admit that although I miss catching up on every one's blogs over the weekend, I love being so far from my computer! And what was I up to during my lack of posting?

• Saturday morning, I went to the farmers market with one of the lovely girls from Blogworld and had such a blast! It was so refreshing being around someone that I didn't have to put on a fake face for... Plus, it's a lot more fun to shop for fruit & veggies, and do the grocery shopping for the week when you're with good company :)
  
• Sunday, I had 2 great dance classes and then headed down to San Diego for Date #2


• Last night was date #2. TJ boy brought me Irises that he gave to me at the end of the date. We went to a beautiful restaurant on the beach and watched the sunset and talked over a couple of drinks and appetizers.
• For the appetizers, he picked artichoke hearts and a ahi tuna roll... I figured it was a great choice until they arrived and both were fried!! There was no way out so I ate them, enjoyed them, and realized I could either ruin this date for myself by obsessing about the food in front of me or I could forget about it and enjoy the cute boy in front of me :) I chose the latter.

This was our view from our table... Poor me, right?! ;)



• This morning, after staying at my Aunt and Uncle's house with my cousin, we all got up and had breakfast together. It was really nice. They had potatoes and eggs while I had left over peach and cranberry cobbler from the night prior. So delicious! There's a high possibility that some yogurt covered raisins made their way onto my cobbler ;)
  I'm not one to believe much in signs but my Yogi tea bag from this morning said "Let things come to you" and I thought it was very fitting for what is going on in my life and not trying to force life, love, travel, etc..
  
• My Aunt, Little C, and I headed off to the gym where I got a great interval workout in on the treadmill. That cobbler, tea, and a fun night out gave me some lasting energy!!
  
• I'm now watching the season finale of In Treatment with my momma so I'm signing off for the night and leaving ya'll with some shitty cell phone pictures of eats. :)
  

I took my grandma to Mother's Market on Friday night for dinner and as you can tell, she is thoroughly enjoying her Mediterranean faux "Chicken" pasta.

She's actually not doing too well as she fell out of her bed the other night and hit her face on the night stand. My aunt and I spent most of Saturday trying to fix her bed to make it shorter but it only led into a frustrating tear session for my g-ma. She knows her time isn't much more and I think that's where a lot of her fear is coming from. When I went to help her up out of her chair, she grabbed me and started crying and wouldn't let go. :( I feel helpless and not sure how to help her. All she knows is that we have an agreement that when she feels she's ready to "go" that she has to give me a months notice.

I had the biggest sweet potato I've ever seen (that's what she said! Sorry, i couldn't resist!), smothered with black beans, steamed veggies, and a side of bbq sauce. It's fed me through the weekend!



My bowl of Kamut Puffs that PUFFED up my Fage yogurt!! There's some strawberries hiding at the bottom...

My cheeseburger salad with a Flame-grilled garden burger, sharp cheddar, spinach, sweet potatoes and everything pretzels from TJs.

I made on of those breakfast cookies that I keep seeing on here with 1/4 cup oatmeal, 1 scoop protein powder, 1/4 cup fiber one, 1/4 cup soy milk, 1/4 cup water. Soaked overnight and heated in the morning in the microwave+ a side of yogurt= my new favorite breakfast!

And now, it's time for the season finale with Paul!!!

Enjoy what's left of the long weekend! It's officially summer!!!! Good night all,

L

Holy Hay, It's The End of MAY!!

Hola!!

Does anyone ever feel like they're doing the same monotonous routine day in and day out? That's how I'm feeling today. I feel that I have so much I want and need to get done in order to make my dreams and goals happen, but it seems as though there is never enough time in the day. I also don't understand how May is nearly over. yikes.

I got an offer from a family in France to be an au pair for their two little boys. The only problem is that they want me to be there by the middle to end of August. I feel like that is just a little too soon to be able to tie up loose ends here and take off. My main concern (besides leaving my stable job in this economy) is Kiki. I refuse to give her up. My mom can't watch her while I'm out of the country for 10 months. My ex of 4 years and I got her when we were dating and he used to help me take her out even after we ended things, but we're not on good terms anymore. It's not an option to ask him, is it? I've tried to make a mends but he disregards any of my attempts so I figure oh well! I was also wondering if it is manageable to possibly rent out my room for a lesser rate in exchange for a "kiki sitter"... The only problem is not knowing when exactly I would be back.

Do y'all have any ideas?? I've been racking my brain about this and although it may seem ridiculous to let a dog hold me back from such a life changing experience, I always said that I would never get rid of her and I don't think it would be fair to her, nor would I be able to actually give her up. Simultaneously, I can't give up my dreams. Help.

On a lighter note, I had dance last night and was asked to be the demo for the second class, as well as the first one that I normally do, which equals free class! I realized that the ambivalent feelings I have towards this weight gain is completely outweighed by the strength I have gained. During the worst of my ED, what I failed to recognize is that I had lost all muscle as well as fat. I could barely make it through a class, let alone some of the exercises. I had forgotten that it takes more than flexibility to keep your leg up there! As a result, I found myself looking for excuses to skip class. Now that I've gained back muscle, I LOVE dance again. I need to remind myself of this when ED tries to whisper sweet nothings in my ear!

I also want arms like these awesome ladies and I know that lack of calories isn't going to make that happen!

Sorry there's no foodie pics but meals haven't been too exciting! Instead, here are a couple pictures from my mom's birthday!! She doesn't read my blog but if she did, she would say thank you to all of you for the birthday wishes!

The Birthday Girl, yours truly, and her bf

Meet Marge, my grandma. She's my favorite. We had some birthday cake with her after dinner. I'm really close with my grandma b/c she was always my outlet when my mom was married to my step dad, but it's been hard lately because she now has dementia and it is worsening by the month. Some days are better than others :(

My uncle, his bf (who was Prince Charming at Disneyland!), my mom and me in Laguna Beach


That's all for today. It's time to stop procrastinating on GRE study and actually start studying!!! Hope you all have a wonderful wonderful Wednesday-Hump Day! But first....


Giveaway. Alert.


Like donuts? Miss Megan is having a giveaway of holey donuts.


Strawberry Shortstuff is having a giveaway of Womens Health Magazine (!!!) and Simply Bars!!


There's also a lovely Coconut Bliss giveaway!



Also... Don't forget to follow the lovely Stef to her new blog address!!

San Diego... A Whale's Vagina (thank u Anchorman!)

Hi Bloggies!!

I hope everyone had a lovely weekend!! To all the recent graduates, congratulations and welcome to the grown-up world (even though I still don’t consider myself apart of it!). To all of you that are in finals week, I wish ya’ll GOOD LUCK!!

I missed you all over the weekend since I didn’t get a chance to check the computer once! However, it was kind of nice being busy! Recap, shall we?

Friday..

• San Diego for little C’s dance recital. She did GREAT!


• Went afterwards with Big C to get some frozen yogurt. It was nice to spend some time with her because for the past year, we have had some issues between us. With my ED recovery/isolating myself getting better and her knee problems/constant pain/”hate the world” outlook getting better, we were able to have a relaxing girls night!

Saturday…

• Little C and I were planning on going for a long beach jog but we procrastinated so long that we only had 45 minutes to get a jog in before our pedicures :) Instead of jogging the beach, we sprinted down Pacific Coast Highway through all the different little shops. It was speed cardio shopping We finished our workout by sprinting to the frozen yogurt shop. Gotta refuel, right?!
  
• Tried to get some studying done for the GRE but my heart and mind were just not in it! I think I was more preoccupied with my (let’s call him TJ for Trader Joe’s boy) date that night. I took a nap instead! I heart naps
  
• I took little C shopping for Prom dresses... I'm not even ashamed that I tried on some myself! haha. It was too much fun searching for the most ridiculous looking prom dress!

Saturday Night...

• I don’t want to jinx it so I’m keeping this very short and simple, but we had a really good time. When he first asked me out to dinner, it was in response to a text I sent him saying “What’s a girl gotta do to get some more blueberry cookies” (that’s what he was serving at TJs when I met him). Needless to say, he definitely brought me blueberry cookies on the date! Haha. Cute.


• We went to dinner at a small Mexican restaurant across from the beach, then out for a drink after at a local dive bar.


• Quick background check: Graduated with a degree in Psychology and studying to go back to graduate school for developmental/school psych. We thought it was funny that developmental psych was my most hated area, while neuroscience was his least favorite!


• I’m kind of hoping I don’t pull a “classic me” on this one. I have a problem where I’ll be interested in someone until I find out that they actually like me, and then I shut off, become uninterested, suddenly “busy” and I stop talking to them. It’s like I’m afraid they’ll get too close or I’ll lose my freedom or something. Who knows.. I need Paul from In Treatment to analyze me!!
  
  Sunday..
  
• Kiki was sweet enough leave a dead rat on the patio in our backyard that I saw first thing after getting home Sunday morning. umm, yeah. I screamed....and not for ice cream.
  
  
  It was also my mom’s pre-birthday celebration. She turns the big 5-5 today! We went out to lunch yesterday and got BBQ and Ranch chicken salads. Kiki was happy to get the chicken later on! I’m tellin ya’ll, I can’t kick this bbq streak that’s been going on the last month! Maybe it’s the summer weather! Fun fact, I used to hhhhhaaatttee bbq sauce!
  
• They sang happy birthday at the restaurant followed by some carrot cake that I had a bite of (that’s right!!!!) We then saw the movie State of Play with my crushes: Ben Afflect and Rachel McAdams.
  
• In other news, I'm having a hard time dealing with seeing my weight increase. Still under my healthy weight but it jumped a good 3-4 lbs in the past couple weeks. I thought it was due to my “expected” girl-time of the month since I took progesterone rx to jumpstart it but I still haven’t gotten it yet, so now I’m kind of worried. Was that just TMI!? Yeah, I think so. It's also been difficult being able to fit back into my regular fitting clothes again that use to hang on me just a few months ago. I'm truckin through though.. thanks to the help of all of you girls on here!!

Tonight is my mom’s official birthday so we're headed out to dinner! Hope everyone had a great start to the week!!! I'm still catching up on reading ya'll blogs and commenting.. I'll get there :)

XOXO

Put that dog on a leash!

Oh. my. gobbs.

What a morning. Actually, i may be exaggerating a bit but I'm just frustrated so I'm getting on the soap box for a second here...

I took Kiki out this morning for our daily jog. I was feeling pretty good because I we were up earlier than usual and I took some Aleve for my knee so we could get a good run in! We start joggin along on our merry way and I see a small Chihuahua/pincher mix with it's owner. I assume it's on a leash so kiki and I keep on going. Next thing I know, the dog is CHASING us and the lady is just standing there! wtf?! I tried to distract Kiki "RUN FASTER, LET'S GO!!" as the dog proceeded to chase us down the street until we finally lost him.

**Note: Kiki is a pitbull mix and although she is friendly at the dog park, when she is on her leash, she gets territorial. Because of her breed, I take extra precaution to make sure nothing happens. I expect the same responsibility and respect from other dog owners so it is one of my biggest pet peeves when people don't have their dogs on leashes! Just because your dog is friendly to other dogs, doesn't mean mine is, WHICH IS WHY SHE'S ON A LEASH! Anyway, back to the story.

After we lost the other dog, we continue on with our jog, both of us out of breath! We come around the corner and I see the lady letting her dog run around still without a leash as she just stands there. In my "aim to please-personality-type" voice, I ask her to PLEASE LEASH UP YOUR DOG!.. She mumbled something about how she couldn't get him. Next thing I know, the dog is chasing us again! Seriously!? Is this really happening twice in one morning? I'm freaking out thinking that it's going to chase us all the way to my apartment and I can only contain Kiki for so long (she was already trying to turn and growl at the dog!). Finally it stops and Kiki and I run home!

Oh man, I was completely exhausted and was not expecting such a hectic wake up call this morning. I wanted to go back out and yell at the lady because she wasn't even doing anything while her dog was chasing us!! I said forget it and just decided to treat myself to the overnight oatmeal breakfast cookie I had waiting in the fridge. I was originally just going to have half of it because oatmeal is still a fear food but after that run, I absolutely had the whole thing and a half serving of cottage cheese.

On a side note: this was my first time making a breakfast cookie and they are everything you girls said they are to be!...delicious. I thought maybe ya'll were exaggerating but after trying it, they won my heart over! :)

ughhh. So please, for my sake, my knee's sake, and Kiki's sake, if you have a dog, i beg you to keep them on a leash!

On to a recap of yesterday:

• Good day of intuitive eating. I haven't been taking pictures much of eats because it hasn't been anything new! However, last night before my GRE prep class, I made half of a flatout cheese quesadilla. I loaded that bad boy with tomato, lettuce and pickles. I was craving a "burger" and by "burger", I really just mean something grilled with cheese, that I can add ketchup to! I had it with some leftover veggie soup my momma made for me (aww)! I was off to class from 7-10 and that meal held me over the whole time..

Well, that and the Annie's chocolate chip bunny crackers that I packed for a snacker!

THAT + THIS (sprinkled on top):

EQUALS= :)

Despite the recent negative body image thoughts, yesterday was actually a very mindful day of eating, which made me feel a lot better. I'm striving for the same thing today!

I'm off to the gym with my momma and then home to pack for San Diego this weekend!! Cathryn (my cousin) has a dance recital tomorrow night and Saturday is the potential "date" with TJ boy... no clue what to wear still.

Hope you all have a wonderful wonderful Thursday!!

Post Mother's Day

What a busy weekend!! It took me a good portion of yesterday to catch up on blogs and I still haven't read a lot of them! I didn't check my computer once over the weekend because we were on the go non-stop! It looks like everyone had a lovely Mother's Day though!!

First and foremost, I wanted to thank everyone for their wonderful comments to me regarding Friday's post!! It totally brightened up my day and relieved a lot of the anxiety I was having! It still amazes me how supportive you bloggies are!! I'm very thankful to "know" each of you!!



Friday:

• Changed out of my "inappropriate" outfit ;)



• Drove down to San Diego after work to have a girls night with my two cousins (20 and 17). We had a laid back night... Went grocery shopping for my cousin (she had to pick up groceries for her apartment back at school) at Trader Joe's. I ended up walking out with some chocolate almond milk, Fage yogurt, white bean basil hummus, and a phone number of the cute boy that was behind the "samples bar"... Actually, when my younger cousin ran back in there to grab something, he gave it to her to give to me :) hahaha. I knew I liked Trader Joe's!



• I only had some mushrooms with hummus for dinner before I SD so I allowed myself to guiltlessly have frozen yogurt that night while we watched movies in bed. I usually never let myself have more than a few bites of fro yo because it's a trigger food but this night, I was very intuitive and enjoyed every last bit!

Saturday

• Woke up from knee pain at 7:30, so went downstairs and watched cooking shows on Food Network with my Aunt. She loves to cook (total opposite of her sister aka my mom), but she also has some OE issues with food and although I love her so much, part of my ED is that I would become that. Is that horrible to say?



• We had tea and talked until the rest of the house woke up. Made some oatmeal, which I enjoyed with PB chips and some trail mix! (woo hooo!) No pics, sorry!



• We headed up to Orange County later in the morning to hang out with my grandma and take her out to eat for a pre-Mother's Day!! (Souplantation!)



• I love hanging out with my 2 cousins since I never grew up with sisters. The older one, courtney, and I have some issues but in all, it was a great evening!



• My younger cousin, Cathryn, ended up staying at my place Saturday night instead of going back to SD with her mom. I knew that she had body image issues but found out while we were talking that night, that she had been B&P over the last couple of weeks. I wasn't really sure how to go about addressing it without coming off as parental. She knows I'm trying to recover from ED and so my only plea was to not let ED rob her of what it did me. I just hope it's one of those things that she doesnt want to find out on her own.
  
  A lot of her issues come from being the youngest and her older sister getting all of the attention due to her severe knee problems, resulting in Cathryn being left out in the dust. I've also heard my Aunt make some ED remarks to C like "you could lose a couple.." or "that dress makes you look fat"... C has such an amazing spirit and is such a gorgeous girl.. I just dont want to see her turn to starvation or BP as an answer!
  
  Any Advice?



• Aside from all that, in officially 1 month and 1 day, I will be on a flight to JFK airport in NYC for a week long vacation with my dad and brother!!! Seriously, can't wait!! Plan on checking out Columbia while i'm there and see if I can "see myself" attending that school!!

Sorry for being such a lame blogger! I know everyone has had super busy weekends with Mothers Day, graduation, finals, etc, etc, etc... I want to wish Lauryn congratulations on her graduation and becoming an alumni! I also want to wish Jaime a "pre" congrats and good luck on her graduation this weekend!!!

Hope everyone is having a lovely Tuesday!!

:) L

Casual Friday??

Today started off good...

I was up early. Kiki and I had a long walk and it was a beautiful morning. My breakfast was mindful, intuitive and included 1/2 frozen banana stuffed with PB2, and Fage yogurt topped with cereal... I also had showered before bed the night before which cut my "getting ready" time in half. I was in a great mood.

...Then came work.

<-- This isn't me.. it's a picture stolen from the J. Crew catalog. However, this is a replica of the outfit I wore to work today for casual Friday (except I had on grayish shorts with a blue button up and some kitten heels).

I work at a law firm that consists of 4 other people. 3 of them were in the office today- my lawyer, the office manager, and the receptionist. The lawyer gets in and says "You look nice and very professional today."

(Thanks.)

Office manager: "Are you wearing shorts?"
Me: "umm, yes?"
OM: "You can't wear shorts."
Me: "I'm sorry. I thought since they were the long kind, that they'd be appropriate."
OM: "no."
Me: "Would you like me to go home and change?"
OM: "no, don't worry about it.. Just don't do it again."

She goes back to her side of the office, and I go back to work. Feeling like a child that has just been reprimanded, I emailed her saying I could go home and put pants on if she'd prefer... basically just trying to please her so it wasn't an awkward situation.

Instead of answering my question about changing, I get an email back saying that she doesn't want me to learn bad habits and it isn't appropriate, blah blah blah. She ends the email by saying that she would appreciate my cooperation in this.

ummm, didn't really answer my question!! This always seems to be the case--I can never get a straight answer to a simple question. Do you want me to change or not? Instead, she would much rather take something simple and blow it up. I replied with:

"That's fine and I apologize. I wasn't trying to be unprofessional and thought since they are longer khaki shorts that they would be okay, especially with a professional top.
Does that mean I should run home or no?"

Finally, she emailed back with "if you could"... ummmm, did i not just ask that from the very beginning. That's the part that is just so aggravating. Seems like we had to run around in circles just to get back to the very starting point.

I feel like I put so much effort into college, studying, doing well, and all so that I could end in a job where they not only sweat the small stuff, but they magnify it!

I'm done venting.

The afternoon got better, despite my lingering frustration. I went to lunch with my friend Rachel from dance class and we enjoyed a huge salad from Souplantation!! Tomorrow's the Farmer's Market and that means I get to stash up on some more sweet potatoes!! holllla!

I hope you all are having a great day. I would appreciate if you think I'm being out of line with the work situation because I don't want to be a brat! I feel like I've always been a team player when it comes to work but that this woman just looks for stuff to blame me for so she can put me down and raise herself up. Any input is appreciated!!

Lots of love, bloggies!!
L