An Offer I Can't Refuse...

June 16th to June 28th to today, July 15th.. I'd say I'm doing pretty well keeping with the 2-week hiatus between posts ;) I'm just gonna say it... I've become bored with my own blogging. I love reading up on everyone's, but not so much with posting. When I entered the blog world, I was in need of support--with ed, food, my own thoughts, and that is exactly what I found here. Never have I "met" so many supportive and encouraging ladies with so much insight, as I did on here. I would post mainly about meals/food, gaining, falling back, whatever. However, I felt like I needed to detach from the focus I had created. The more I started to "recover" and focus on living, the more food and eating left the spotlight. It was turned over to going out with friends, fostering new friendships, reading more, dancing, laughing, etc, etc, etc...


I'd be lying if I said the thoughts weren't present in my mind anymore... I still get food anxiety in some situations but to look at the positive, I don't count every calorie, I weigh myself maybe once a week if I feel like it, I drink wine again, I had regular (that's right) coke mixed with alcohol a couple weeks ago, but most importantly, I became me again.. The girl who loves short jokes, who can dance yet not walk ten yards without tripping over her own feet, who gets butterflies in her stomach around certain boys again, and those "warm fuzzies" (as Kim puts it) during a first kiss, someone who has a reason to go bra shopping (even though i never had much up there to begin with!), but most of all, I got the Lauren back that can go out to eat with her friends and focus on the conversation instead of the calories on my plate. It's really nice.

Life, right now, is good and I'm happy where I'm at. Just as that happened, I was offered an opportunity to leave it all behind, at least temporarily. I received an offer to move to Lyon, France for a year and be an au pair for 2 kids.

The details:

• Take care of the children 30 hours a week and take 10 hours of French classes a week at the local University.


• By "take care of the children", I mean taking them to and from school, helping with homework, driving them to and from their many extracurricular activities.


• Weekly pay aside from the provided bedroom/bath, and meals


• 5 weeks of paid holidays


• One week skiing with the family in February


• One week on the Atlantic coast with the family in the summer


• Internet, free phone to call home with

Amazing, right?! And it's exactly what I said I had wanted to do: The opportunity to live abroad, become fluent in another language, leave my monotonous desk job... Yet, now that this is a viable offer and actually possible, I've frozen. Something that I thought would be a no-brainer has suddenly become an option that I'm weighing the positives and negatives of. It frustrates me that this opportunity didn't present itself when I wanted nothing more than to get away. I'm trying to re-frame though, and think that maybe it's because I'm finally emotionally and physically strong enough to take on the challenge.

Coming from a divorced household and a family that puts the "fun" in "dysfunctional", normalcy and stability weren't two words that were familiar in my vocabulary. With all the childhood chaos, OCD provided me with structure and control. After being in southern California for the last 6 years, I finally feel like I've created a sense of normalcy here... friends, local places, a nice apartment that feels like home, a dance studio I love with classes that enable me to escape whatever's going on in my head. So, I'm reluctant to leave that behind for what could very well be an incredible and life changing experience, yet, scary.

However, I'm almost 25 and feel like I need this kind of experience to enjoy and embrace my "youth" and lack of responsibility before it starts to pile on. I think I've always taken on the "adult" aka "responsible" role, which probably goes in hand with perfectionism. This sense of impulsivity could be just the remedy. I mean really, is it absolutely necessary to be worrying about my 401K right now when I don't even know what it means exactly?! no. My biggest responsibility is my dog and there's a good possibility that I have a temporary home for her (fingers crossed).

I don't have to officially decide until the first of August but at the moment, I'm about 75/25 with going/not going. Anyway, that's where my head has been at lately. It's been a continuous thought loop but as long as it's not ED or food, I'm okay with it.

Today's Highlights:

1. I went swimming this morning after I woke up and I took Kiki out there with me. I could barely keep my stroke because I was laughing so hard as she tried to race me up and down the pool while throwing her leash up in the air. I think she appreciated a change from the daily walk.

2. It's Entourage/frozen yogurt/study-buddy night with a good friend.

3. Last night's dance classes were awesome.

4. I found a fiction book that I can't put down.

Love,

L

I heart NY

This week in NYC has been an absolute blast. I'm pretty sure I’ve done more in the 7 days I've been here than I did in the 2 months that I lived here a few years ago.

While in the Big Apple, I...

Played the tourist role and saw every tourist site to see.

Was mistaken for a local :)


Met with the admissions counselor for the masters program at Columbia.

Walked through Central Park


Danced through Central Park

Spent a day eavesdropping on peoples conversations on art during a day in the Metropolitan
Museum


Went to David Letterman taping

Ran into Tina Fey and Steve Carrel on the street


Battled tendonitis in my left foot... and lost.

Went to Times Square


Sat in a beach chair on Broadway

Went to the top of the Empire State building for time number 3.


Walked every inch of the city.

Bought the cliche I Heart NY Shirt.


Ate biscotti and espresso in Little Italy.

Visited my old stomping grounds at Alvin Ailey


Found a Trader Joe's (surprise surprise)

Took a jazz class at Broadway Dance Center.


Pictured myself living in the city

Saw 3 rats.


Went to Rice to Riches and had chocolate hazelnut rice pudding

Laughed constantly with my dad and brother


Exercised patience with my dad and brother

Walked the Brooklyn Bridge


Was soaked by a down pour while walking the Brooklyn Bridge

Got up every morning for a daily jog to Starbucks, all of one block away.


Saw Andrew Bird and Calexico in concert at Radio City Music Hall

Walked into Macys, saw the crowd and walked right back out


Spoke French with our concierge at the hotel

Hung out at a local bookstore with my brother one night


Made friends with the produce guy on the corner of our neighborhood

Got yelled at by a guy whose perfume I didn’t buy in China Town


Bought perfume 5 dollars cheaper at his neighboring store. Booya!


Learned how to whistle with my two fingers...


Lost the ability to whistle with my two fingers and got light headed trying to retrieve the skill


Laughed


Cried (not really but I was sad when we had to leave)


Had the most fantabulous vacation ever.

Thank you.. yes, you.

I'm still baffled by this whole blog community and how supportive everyone is on here. I feel like I've connected with some genuine souls and made honest friendships. So, I just want to thank ya'll for your supportive comments to my ever so dramatic gre post! Some of the comments really helped me to reframe my thinking about the whole situation and have hope that even if I don't raise my scores the 3rd time around, life will still work out okay.



The results of my test along with reading a blog post by a great friend on here got me to thinking about acceptance and self image. I feel like a chameleon. I adapt to the people, their personalities and places I'm around. Along with the recovered weight, I've gained much better self insight but sometimes I still wonder if i'm being "me" or if i'm being who I wish I was. I know all the people that I want to be like and feel I've taken bits of their personas and incorporated them into my own but if those were taken away, i'm not sure if I know who I am or if I'd even like it.



Kim's blog post which is based off of Carrie Arnold's post (that sounds like the whole "my brother's girlfriend's ex-mother in law's neighbor's manicurist" type reference) mentions that "accepting who we are often involves accepting who we are not". With that said, here's the truth.

• I wish I was the typical straight-A perfectionist but in reality, I will study for hours and still get a B when it comes to tests.
  


• I'd love to be able to pull off trendy hair styles like the whole braid deal going on right now but I just dont think it looks right on me.
  


• I'd like to throw my hair up in a pony tail, grab some lip gloss and be ready in ten minutes but it truth, I like to sit down in front of the mirror and take my good ol' time getting ready. It's my "me" time.
  


• I wish I was as enthusiastic about yoga as the rest of America but it bores me. I even fell asleep once in a 5 am yoga class.
  


• Be the real me even around guys that I actually like. Seems like the true version of myself that let's go and isn't self conscious only comes out when it's someone whose reaction I dont care about.
  


• I would love it if I loved jogging but truth is that I only love it when there's something on my mind and when i've completed the jog. I have absolutely no interest in accomplishing a marathon of any sort.
  

Maybe it's important to incorporate others' attributes into our own... It gives a sense of what I want to strive for and stepping out of my little box.. i think.

However, one thing I have confirmed is that I am a city girl at heart. I am in NYC all week on vacation and having the most amazing time. With that said, I'm off to keep exploring the city! Hope everyone is having a wonderful week!!!

Daily Gratitude:
1. I am 3000 miles away from my desk job.

2. I met with the admissions counselor for Columbia's Neuroscience and Education Masters program and they said the GRE isn't required for their program.

3. Hanging out with my dad and brother in NY has been the most fun experience in a long time!

4. I have a great roommate and mom babysitting Kiki while I'm gone.

5. It's on Tuesday :)

Fail.

Studied for the GRE.
Failed the GRE.
Feeling like I have no clue what to do if I can't get past this stupid exam.

Time to break.. and I wish I meant breakfast!

Hoping everyone had a wonderful weekend! I absolutely did but I can't believe it's already Sunday night... and even moreso, JUNE!!!

I signed up for the GRE Saturday so I'll be taking a break from blogging this week as I try to cram as much antonyms, word pairs, and math equations into my brain before the test! I'll be back Sunday :)

But first, I have to show you what the incredibly talented Kelly made for me with her photoshop skills...

I seriously LOVE this!! She took stuff I like (Paris, orchids, etc..) and created that amazing collage!! Thank you again!!!

Alright.. It's bedtime.

Good night, all!

My tofu kicked your chicken's butt!

And why, you ask?! Because it's so versatile.

I brought a package of light firm tofu for lunch that was intended to accompany my salad. How boring, right?! But, at the last minute, I was feeling like dessert would make a much more satisfying lunch so that's absolutely what I did. Yeah, that's right.. i said it! I ditched my salad (saving it for later), warmed up my tofu with some kashi puffs, chocolate chips, stevia, PB2 and became a very happy camper.

I think I've been on a sweet streak this week because for dinner last night, i had d'anjou pear oatmeal/cobbler. It made me feel like a kid again where there's that special and rare evening that your mom says "we're having breakfast for dinner!" and it's practically the best news ever. haha. Needless to say, it was a nice little switcheroo...

Today has been kind of blah as I try to sort my thoughts...

Feeling:

• Introspective
• Quiet
• Ambivalent.

Wanting:

• To rid some of these ED thoughts.
• Take a nap.
• To learn how to be more content and mindful of the present rather than always looking ahead.

Because:

• I've noticed I've been restricting this week after seeing the scale number jump even though I'm still below my normal weight.
• I'm a sleepy girl at the moment.
• I don't like not knowing.
  

Procrastinating on:

• Studying for the GRE.

Looking forward to:

• Dinner with my momma tonight.
• Dinner with my gma and a great blogger friend tomorrow evening PLUS a movie!!
• Therapy Thursday

Daily Gratitude: (yes, i stole this idea from the lovely Kim)

• I woke up this morning :)
• New York is less than 3 weeks away.
• Tomorrow is FRIDAY!

Lastly:

I receive the newsletter/Gwyneth Paltrow blog and it had a post on there today about addiction. How fitting... Below is the link, but here were some points mentioned that I thought stood out:

GOOP

Kabbalah teaches that we are in this world to achieve lasting and true fulfillment. However, our wires often get crossed and we think this fulfillment can come from physicality. This is never the case. The material world always leaves us wanting more. There is a saying, “If today I have one then tomorrow I want two, and if today I have 100, then tomorrow I will want 200.”

The addiction battles many of us fight are here to push us toward finding a deeper fulfillment, which comes from connecting to the real things in life: love, compassion, sharing and revealing our true essence.

Our soul has this massive thirst, and we are trying to quench it with a teaspoon.
Therefore, there are three essential things we can do to begin the process of leaving addictive behavior behind:

1. Realize these yearnings are coming from a true place (our soul) telling us we need to do more, and we can do and be more.
2. Begin a process of both realizing and connecting to our true essence by focusing, meditating and becoming more conscious of our thoughts, behaviors and true potential.
3. Do actions that take us out of selfish behavior. Become a more giving person. This helps us be less busy with ourselves.
Being addicted doesn’t make us bad, weak or hopeless. Just the opposite. It means we have a unique soul that wants more. We aren’t satisfied with the status quo. We have a burning desire to connect to something bigger than ourselves. And as we come to understand the source of our desires, and stop letting our addictions distract us from our true essence, we can find a lasting, uninterrupted level of fulfillment.

Have a lovely Thursday!!

The Irish who brought me Irises...

Happy Memorial Day weekend!! I feel pretty strongly that all weekends should be 3 days long!! I have to admit that although I miss catching up on every one's blogs over the weekend, I love being so far from my computer! And what was I up to during my lack of posting?

• Saturday morning, I went to the farmers market with one of the lovely girls from Blogworld and had such a blast! It was so refreshing being around someone that I didn't have to put on a fake face for... Plus, it's a lot more fun to shop for fruit & veggies, and do the grocery shopping for the week when you're with good company :)
  
• Sunday, I had 2 great dance classes and then headed down to San Diego for Date #2


• Last night was date #2. TJ boy brought me Irises that he gave to me at the end of the date. We went to a beautiful restaurant on the beach and watched the sunset and talked over a couple of drinks and appetizers.
• For the appetizers, he picked artichoke hearts and a ahi tuna roll... I figured it was a great choice until they arrived and both were fried!! There was no way out so I ate them, enjoyed them, and realized I could either ruin this date for myself by obsessing about the food in front of me or I could forget about it and enjoy the cute boy in front of me :) I chose the latter.

This was our view from our table... Poor me, right?! ;)



• This morning, after staying at my Aunt and Uncle's house with my cousin, we all got up and had breakfast together. It was really nice. They had potatoes and eggs while I had left over peach and cranberry cobbler from the night prior. So delicious! There's a high possibility that some yogurt covered raisins made their way onto my cobbler ;)
  I'm not one to believe much in signs but my Yogi tea bag from this morning said "Let things come to you" and I thought it was very fitting for what is going on in my life and not trying to force life, love, travel, etc..
  
• My Aunt, Little C, and I headed off to the gym where I got a great interval workout in on the treadmill. That cobbler, tea, and a fun night out gave me some lasting energy!!
  
• I'm now watching the season finale of In Treatment with my momma so I'm signing off for the night and leaving ya'll with some shitty cell phone pictures of eats. :)
  

I took my grandma to Mother's Market on Friday night for dinner and as you can tell, she is thoroughly enjoying her Mediterranean faux "Chicken" pasta.

She's actually not doing too well as she fell out of her bed the other night and hit her face on the night stand. My aunt and I spent most of Saturday trying to fix her bed to make it shorter but it only led into a frustrating tear session for my g-ma. She knows her time isn't much more and I think that's where a lot of her fear is coming from. When I went to help her up out of her chair, she grabbed me and started crying and wouldn't let go. :( I feel helpless and not sure how to help her. All she knows is that we have an agreement that when she feels she's ready to "go" that she has to give me a months notice.

I had the biggest sweet potato I've ever seen (that's what she said! Sorry, i couldn't resist!), smothered with black beans, steamed veggies, and a side of bbq sauce. It's fed me through the weekend!



My bowl of Kamut Puffs that PUFFED up my Fage yogurt!! There's some strawberries hiding at the bottom...

My cheeseburger salad with a Flame-grilled garden burger, sharp cheddar, spinach, sweet potatoes and everything pretzels from TJs.

I made on of those breakfast cookies that I keep seeing on here with 1/4 cup oatmeal, 1 scoop protein powder, 1/4 cup fiber one, 1/4 cup soy milk, 1/4 cup water. Soaked overnight and heated in the morning in the microwave+ a side of yogurt= my new favorite breakfast!

And now, it's time for the season finale with Paul!!!

Enjoy what's left of the long weekend! It's officially summer!!!! Good night all,

L