Waves...

Does anyone feel that their ED voices/compulsions/thoughts come and go in waves? I seriously feel like I have the "angel" on one sholder and "Ed" on the other...

Today started off great! I had such a peaceful morning jog with Kiki and certain songs came up on my ipod that completely brought me back to when I was living in Paris.. So i closed my eyes and took a little imagery vacation. I could practically hear the hussle of the city and remember exactly what it was like walking to and from the metro to class, the smell of the patisseries in the morning, basically all that was amazing! Kiki and I even switched up our routine and instead of going inside at 6:50 to be in the shower by 7, we let the music keep playing and kept jogging. It was such a wake up call from all this stupid OCD ED crap that has taken over.

Anyway, got home and had my delicious breakfast oatmeal bowl with a 1/4 cup of Fage, 2 cups of green tea. (I also faced my fruit fear and cut up 2 huge strawberries on my yogurt... The only thing good about not eating them for so long is that they tasted extra delicious this morning!) I knew that I was going out to lunch with collegues for a Farewell Lunch and they picked this Italian restaurant, so i skipped my AM snack (Sad about that because like all ED victims, I love routine and i love my safe food=fage with cereal). Like i'm sure ya'll are so familiar with, I tried to look up nutrition facts online but no luck..and now i know why. This restaurant is not ED friendly AT ALL!.. but i said screw it, i'm going to conquer another fear.

I thought I could play it safe with a salad or i could test the waters and go with a pesto sandwich, which called out to the Italian in me! I had a side salad sans dressing, 3 calamari pieces with the breading removed (1st fried food in over a year!) and then I went for the sandwich with the pesto mayo on the side of course (insert need for control, haha)... Here's the thing though: when I got it, I didn't think to ask if they use olive oil on the sandwich (who would?!?!)!! They absolutely used it, and the contents of the sandwich were drizzled in it. BAM! Cue anxiety. I took off the piece of bread with the oil on it and tried to pick out the contents that weren't covered. I made an open face sandwich and even though it still had oil on it, there was a turning point in me that said "screw this shit, i'm going to enjoy this because it's delicious and a few years back, I wouldn't have thought twice about eating it!" So I did.

I counterbalanced it with knowing that I went jogging this morning and I would probably go again tonight.. But then it's like the ED comes and goes in waves. One minute, I was totally okay with eating the sandwich (savoring all the goodness of the hot bread with basil!), then the next, cue guilt. This pattern happened about 6-7 times during the meal and the guilt stayed with me after. I remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, one meal isn't going to hurt but it doesnt "fix" the anxiety going on.

It's such a tug-of-war and I feel like all of us (no offense to anyone out there) are so incredible at giving advice and support to each other.. when we feel guilty about eating, have a bad day, a good day, etc.. but how come we can't do it when it comes to ourselves?! I know all the things that i should be believing, like how we are all more than just a number on a scale, we're better than these stupid fears, but I dont know how to make myself believe it!

ED spun out of control after college when I started in the workplace because I went from having a goal and direction, to no longer knowing what I was working towards or who I was. There were also relationship issues with family moving away, ending friendships, etc...basically a feeling of loss of control. Now that I have some set goals in the near future like graduate school and moving abroad, I've improved. In reality though, I dont want to define myself solely by accomplishments.. i want to be defined by all the fabulousness that is me.... by being able to go out and laugh, eat a donut, dance in public instead of feeling like i've accomplished something by depriving myself, which is supposed to prove that i have more self control??!.. that's bs! I dont want to look back at what is supposed to be the "best years of our youth" and think "Did i really waste it on worrying about which dressing to get based on a 10 calorie difference?! See what I mean about the waves?!

Alright, enough of this. I just had to get it out of my head and onto something else. I wish for all of us that we can support ourselves the way we are so supportive of each other. In the meantime, I once again, thank you all for your encouraging words. I am also going on the Fear Factor Food Challenge with Ellie and Sam! Feel free to join me for some cyber dates with this.

Here are my foodie fears:

Carbs: bread, pasta, rice
Which leads to sushi
Olive Oil (my Italian gma would be so ashamed!)
Bananas
Actually, most fruits in general
Liquid calories
Cheese
Restaurant food that isn't a naked salad
Restaurant soups!
Milk chocolate
Real ice cream
Energy bars ie: Lara bars, etc...
Breakfast foods that come from a box: waffles
Pizza not made by me
margarine
Any type of cake dessert

And.....scene!