Fell off the wagon...

Good morning Ladies,

It's Friday, despite my thinking that yesterday was Wednesday! ha. There must have been something in the air yesterday because after an hour of finally catching up with every one's blogs on here, it seems like all of us had an "off" day, yesterday.

Yesterday was the first time since Christmas that I had a b&p episode. I felt like I had been doing great so I'm still trying to figure out what triggered it. There really wasn't too much of a binge involved either.. at least not like how it used to be during the "rough times".

It started in the morning with my hodgepodge breakfast of a little yogurt with cereal sprinkled on top and a piece of a bran muffin from Souplantation (yes, i absolutely took a mini-muffin in my purse from lunch there the other day! ha... in fact, i took 2!) Like I said in a previous post, my body this week has been more hungry than usual so around 11, I had some yogurt and cereal. Lunch at 12:30 was my Flatout wrap with PB2 and jelly (delicious but not filling). Afternoon snack was some mushrooms with a laughing cow cheese. Still not feeling full, I had a cup of Fage with some corn puffs around 4ish. I think I was so frustrated that I wasn't "full" but was still snacking that I cancelled happy hour plans with my friend so that I could go to the gym. I also felt guilty from not working out on Wednesday and sleeping through my am workout. Basically, let's just skip to the end. When I got home from work, I had some mushrooms and hummus, a tbsp. of PB2 and a cup of Fage. I kept snacking on the the rest of the fage and that was when it hit that I had just consumed way too much yogurt. I think it was more the fact that I was eating so mindlessly than the actual caloric intake. Frustration led to the "p"... Then I went to the gym for an hour to run myself back to a "clean slate"...

I'm really trying to look at the positive. What I did conclude though was that the b&p from yesterday didn't give me the rush/high that it used it. In fact, i just felt kind of "blah".. no excitement during the "b" or feelings of "i know i'm going to P, so i might as well have some more".. nope.. i just felt like it had been mindless eating and the perfectionist and recovery part of me was not okay with that.. especially because it feels like my breakfasts from this week have been the same way..too scattered and not organized.

It amazes me though how much a 'p' will rid yourself of not just the food, but also confidence. I felt like all the confidence and work I had gained went right into the toilet with everything else. Those emptiness feelings that were all too familiar were present the rest of the night as I tried to figure out what brought it on. However, I was uncomfortably honest and told my dad that I had an incident. This is the first time i've ever done that and I think it helped. He went through a kind-of checklist almost, to figure out what had been bothering me. We realized that part of it was being overwhelmed with all of my plans of getting ready for grad school and wanting to move abroad, but time passing so quickly that I can't seem to get a grip on it!.. seriously, how is it already April!? ri-donk-u-lous.

I also told my mom about it this morning during our daily phone call because we went to the gym together last night and I think she knew something was up. She had some good advice and was reassuring but I think it's hard for her to relate to the 'weight' part of it, as she used to struggle with just bulimia and not the anorexia part of it. Nevertheless, I think speaking up will be good in that 1. it's incredibly uncomfortable to admit i slipped, therefore will hopefully deter me from future ones and 2. to realize reaching out for help and having someone to "lean on" isn't a flaw... I think we are all so strong and independent with that whole "i can handle it myself" attitude that we forget that there are people who do care and want to help.

Anyway, after the gym, I was able to get to bed early and feel much better today... plus, I have on my new cardigan and yellow baseball tee that I got on sale in the girls section at Target yesterday! Hollerrrr for girls clothes being cheaper than juniors! It's just a matter of finding something that DOESN'T look like Hannah Montana or Hello Kitty threw up all over it! No offense if you're fans of the above!

I'm taking it easy-cheesy today and am treating myself to lunch. I'm going to the Asian market to get some veggies and tofu, and then going to the restaurant across the street from work which sells vegetarian Pho..with a VEGETARIAN broth! I was so upset when I found out that most places still use beef broth. vomit.

Enough rambling.. here are some pics from the last couple days...


Okay, Strawberry Yogurt O's soaked overnight in a cup of almond milk=amazing... plus they throw in a few yogurt (and i mean very few) yogurt clusters so when you come across one, it's like an orgasm. (sorry for the under aged readers).

I also got blackberries! I forgot how good these things are!




My afternoon snack for the last few days (since Sunday) when I had sprouts for the first time in a couple years and realized how delicious they were. It reminds me of the sandwiches from La Bou Cafe (all the norcal people will know that place! soo good!)

I bought 2 jars yesterday at the only store in OC that carries it! I love it.. a little too much according to yesterday afternoon!

This, I was obsessed with-- I marinated some tofu in bbq sauce and made a flatout wrap with tofu, collard greens, onions and sprouts. After having La Tortillas and then Flatouts, i'm so much more a fan of the Flatouts! They are thicker and more like a bread.. Plus, Costco sells 3-packs for 6 dollars that have flax in them.

Aren't they cute?! I bought Loutus Root from the Asian market and popped them in the microwave with a little salt and peeper. The result= veggie chips. I highly recommend 'em!

I mixed it up with some butternut squash for my pre-dance snack. It kept me energized through 2, count em, 2 classes!

I hope that everyone's Friday is much better than yesterday!! Treat yourself to something! Lastly, thank you all so much for your support. I feel like I've made some amazing friends on this site and so appreciate how honest and supportive y'all are.

xoxo,

Laur