It's been a rough-negative self talk-hate the healthy weight-type of week! Part of it has been a result of not being able to exercise/go for a walk on my lunch break because of people calling in sick and myself having to cover for them. Even though my lunch workouts went on hiatus, my hunger sure hasn't and it's frustrating the eff out of me! I feel like my eating is completely the opposite of intuitive! too much snacking! grrrr...
I also freaked out when my size 0 pants fit me on Monday without having to use a belt... I know that I've gained a lot of muscle back, which I can tell from being able to make it through my dance classes, but I look in the mirror now and think.. 'yuck!' I keep wanting to restrict but my hunger hasn't allowed for it.. it's like I've forgotten how, which i guess is good. So although it may be corny, but that's where the lyrics come in.. i feel like i still share a love/hate relationship with ed and although I'm ashamed to say this, i find myself missing it. Has anyone else felt like this?
In other news, Stef mentioned the HBO show In Treatment in her blog and I just wanted to reiterate how awesome that show is! The therapist in there is gooood! It makes me want to analyze myself.. or go to him so he can do it!
Since I've been on a black beans/bbq/salad fix for the last week, I haven't been taking pictures of meals.. So I am following Stef's lead and positing a couple pictures from when I was in France...
Inside the Louvre... I can't get enough of this museum!
Before ED became a #1 priority, I actually enjoyed French crepes with Nutella..
What a thought!
In the Champagne region of France.. We went to see how champagne was made..
This isn't supposed to be a picture of me, but instead, the 6 bottles of champagne that I brought back to Paris which took up their own seat next to me :)
Please still keep Jenna in your thoughts and make sure to read her last post.. but make sure you have some Kleenex around! It's amazing how she's taking such a tragedy and turning it into a positive project/goal.
Happy Wednesday aka Hump Day... Hope everyone has a lovely day!
That champagne photo cracks me up :)
ReplyDeleteI think it's entirely normal to feel conflicted about the eating disorder. I don't know anyone who has had one and not missed it for several reasons once they started recovering. I've read that it's important to let yourself grieve for what it did give you, so you can let it go easier. It's also important to remember that a lot of the perceived benefits are an illusion - it's too easy to look back on being ill with rose tinted glasses. Goodness knows that's led me to relapse over and over again.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel a bit better tomorrow <3 I love that photo of you and the champagne!!
Thanks for the breakfast ideas! I can't believe I haven't read your blog before. I just noticed that you lived in Irvine. My goal is to move out there after I graduate with my Masters. I have a friend who lives there now and I absolutely love the area!
ReplyDeleteFor so long, ED was my identity and life. I find myself lost without it at times. But I am trying to live my life and take it one day at a time without ED.
YAY France pics!!! Thanks for sharing, those are so great they seriously look professionally done, like ripped out of a travel book or calendar or something haha! Sorry you're having a rough week with the body image stuff, I'm right there with ya! I can't think of a more PERFECT title than the lyrics you chose!! Love that song too! Jealous you got to see them ;) Feeling like I've lost my "ability" to restrict scares me to death, but my T loves to point out that it doesn't scare ME it scares ED. So, yeah...try to brainwash yourself into believing that one too!
ReplyDeleteYES Paul (from IT) is the bestttttt therapist in the world, I totally share your desire to analyze myself/have him do it for me...and I know that if I ever met that actor in real life I would be such a creepy fan and have that stalker mentality of him BEING his character, and not be able to shake the "he's just an actor!" thing. He's pretty much my Lord and Savior. <--- kidding. kind of.
i'm better, it's true! but i'm better because of YOU and because of the other bloggers, without you i know that i wouldn' be able to start my recovery! you said thinks to me when i needed to hear it, you helped me, you made me believe that recovery it's possible and you also made me know that it's not easy but we can always try, right? :)
ReplyDeleteand i'm just like you love, yesterday when i put my jeans i freaked out but i just stopped, i breath and i move on because i know it's the best for me and i do believe in recovery! but it was you, you made that happen! so, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING, you always know what to say, at the right momment!
and about the smoothies, i'll try to just mix it a little in the morning and we'll see if it works :)
thank you so much my dear, you're wonderful you know?
hi girl! thanks for stopping by the blog and saying hi -- you're such a sweetie! love the pics from your trip to france, i was in paris for three days and loved it to death!
ReplyDeletesorry you've been having a tough time, but as we know, life isn't always easy -- i have faith that you'll pull through this! it's a GOOD thing to have pants actually fit, although it's definitely scary -- just try to stay positive, and know that you're doing the right thing by being healthy!
have a fabulous night =)